The Fight to try and understand life...

I am sitting here gazing at the clock on the bottom right hand corner of my computer screen, and it reads 2:12 am. For those of you who are not aware, I am a severe insomniac, but I refuse to take medicine for it. (At least the over the counter kind)because one of the many possible side effects is suicidal tendencies. Been there, done that. Actually, they never go away and resurface at the most inopportune times. Now that I got that out of the way let me also explain that I am creative spirit by nature, and sometimes, I just get rolling with my words at the very peak of the morning, and it is one of the times where I just keep tossing and turning with my thoughts. I am currently working on my life story, but that has been put on the back burner for now, as writer's block is attacking me, and I can't even begin to describe how agitating this is as a writer. Anyway, I figure that writing a blog can only help me re-energize and hone my skills once again. It's a never ending process. Here is the real purpose of this blog, though. I think that everyone has a vastly universal struggle that swirls in their mind like the worst hurricane. This universal struggle is trying to understand life, its burning purpose, and why things happen to some people and don't happen to others. For those of you that are not aware, I lost my aunt Dallas to cancer on April 5 (Easter morning). I am the type of person to generally keep my personal feelings on the inside (I know that's not very healthy and only escalates your sadness and misery). This loss has affected me very deeply. I will never understand why she had to get sick. Why God had to take such a spirited person away from me and my family. No matter how hard I try, I will never understand it regardless of how long the thoughts and questions swirl in my head. I'll never understand why someone with such a divine purpose of loving EVERYONE so deeply had to leave. I know death is inevitable. One day, when our time comes, we will leave with the rush of the wind to a place where we can rest peacefully. However, this fact does not make the concept of death any less mystifying or troubling. When my aunt was first diagnosed, I took to Facebook to tell her how much I loved her and how much I was praying for her so deeply. She of course returned my love, and told me not to worry about her. She was not afraid. Considering the severe scope of her condition, I was taken aback and amazed by her response. She was such a strong willed person (as am I.. see it runs in the family), and she was not going to let her limiting and albeit finalized condition get in her way. That's the very same way I handle my disability and the daily and nagging chronic pain. I know the pain levels of her cancer and my Cerebral Palsy are very different and diverse, but I really feel we connected on that level when she was preparing herself to battle her cancer. It was a bond held together like glue, and I'll never forget and will always treasure her text message conversations about faith and strength. We understood one another like no other I feel. It was of course devastatingly sad to know that she would have to endure things I could never imagine. However, she fought.. and she fought hard. Keeping with her vibrant spirit and sense of humor. We had so much fun feeding off each others sense of humor. Those of you who are family can definitely relate with the Culbertson sense of humor. It is one of a kind. I'm sure you can only imagine how those conversations went. There were even a few Les Miles jokes included in there. My last memory of her was on June 30, 2014... I was turning 30 and it was my golden birthday, so I decided to spend it with my dad's family. I'm SO glad I did, and that I had the time to cut up with her and drink margaritas. For my birthday, she and her husband Donnie gave me an iTunes gift card. I specifically remember the albums I bought with that card, and every time, I listen to them, I will surely think of them both. Also, I received a Saints cup from the both of them with my name engraved on the back, and some Adam Levine perfume, which is my favorite. I am very thankful for those gifts, and every time I utilize them, I will surely smile and think of her. I can only imagine how boisterous her entrance to heaven was. She must have illuminated the world with her smile and kind spirit which will live on forever in our minds and hearts. Tears are trickling down my face as I write this. I know though that she would tell me to quit crying and smile, but I just can't help myself. Sudden but somewhat unexpected loss always stings like the world's biggest wasp. You'll always feel a certain emptiness without this person in your life, but you have to learn to continue on somehow and just remember the wonderful memories. In the end, and especially in the early days as a child, my aunt Dallas brought an unrelenting joy to my life. I'll have to continue on but always carry with me her love and compassion. This won't be easy at all, but I'm stronger than I realize, and I will get through this. Even when the storms are rocky, the sun must always appear at some point. It's inevitable, and my faith and strength will continue to guide me along my journey. Thank you Aunt Dallas for loving me unconditionally and teaching me the value of unrelenting strength and faith. It is through your struggles and joy that I will continue to live humbly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.