The fine line between truth and agony

I have been told all of my life that Cerebral Palsy is not progressive. Yes, that is correct, once you're born, the brain damage is done. It's there. You can't take it away, and you can't wave your magic wand to make it go away. Oh, how I wish I were able to do something as simple as a 'Cinderella midnight spell' to make this leave my body. The cold hard truth says no. So, here I am. This is the simple truth. However, what you don't find out is that although not progressive, your body can have little annoyances along the way that change because of the strain that your disability puts on all of your muscles. I am a spastic quad, which means that all four limbs are affected. My leg problems are what prevents me from walking. My hand and wrist problems are limited to a fused wrist and a couple of weird quirks like not being able to turn my hands and arms over completely. Weird, I know, but it is a part of the package. I have been dealing with agonizing pain my right leg and hip for the past six months. When I say agonizing, I mean the type that sometimes leaves me in bed for hours beyond my normal resting schedule. I mean the type that causes me to fall over out of nowhere because the pain is so great. I have slammed my head against the wall more times in the past six months than I have in the past 20 years. I'll be frank with you: This shit is not fun. The devil on my shoulder has been far more active lately. He wants to give in; he wants me to say enough already, and just completely fall apart. This is something I have done in the form of mental breakdowns. Believe me. Even if they are sometimes only in my head.. this is putting a mental and physical strain on my body. BUT if there is one thing I refuse to do while I am being shown how to live with chronic pain, it is that I refuse to give up. Sure, I may have a crappy attitude about things lately, but it is only because the pain is taking over. I am only human and can only handle so much at one time. So forgive me for acting like a whiny bitch, but please try to consider the deeper meanings behind these rants. I am still the same person. I am still filled with kindness. I still want to make it my life's mission to change the world with my story and writing. The only difference is that now it will take a little longer. I am slowly learning to take the days second by second. Honestly, my pain can be quite varied from time to time. It is just a day by day basis type thing. Frankly, if am being completely truthful, I need some encouragement from my friends. I need all of the love I get can get during this twisted and painful change. Pain requires strength and compassion is what builds that strength into something manageable. I have a different sort of journey to roll with now. I rarely went to the doctor in my earlier years, but this will be the third time I will have seen the doctor in 4 months. I am trying my best to remain strong and positive, but I can't do it alone. Life is unique, and within its binding circumstances is a test of strength. So, please, if you care about me, PLEASE try to provide me with strength and comfort. Not knowing exactly what is going on with your body is nerve wracking & scary. However, that is the nature of life. The unknown is what keeps you guessing, but it is also what keeps me on my toes. I'll be OK... I just have to adjust to new type of life. I would lying if I said it was a piece of cake; in fact, it is several slices. Just be there for me. That's literally all I am asking for.